Hello, Pushkin

Big news at our house. Mae took two steps on Monday all by herself. We were in the backyard with our neighbour (Yaya). Mae's daddy was sitting exactly two steps away and Yaya just let go of her hands and said "Walk to Daddy," and she did! It was amazing, but also not amazing.What I mean is, it was so easy and so natural. She's been working up to it for such a long time now that it barely seemed like an effort. It makes me wonder if she might have done it even sooner if I'd just let go of her hands. Unfortunately, I'm particularly bad at letting go when it comes to her. It's something I have to work on.

And then, this morning, she said mamma while walking towards me, and has been saying it over and over again ever since. It's the most beautiful sound on earth.

Also, I'm quitting my job this week. Maybe even today, if I get around to it. Mae and I just aren't ready for daycare. She's extremely shy in new situations. Big groups of noisy kids get her all upset. Like, last week, we went to the early years' centre, and the kids sang Row, Row, Row Your Boat with the verse about the crocodile where you scream at the end. And, oh my God, it was traumatic. She had big fat tears running down her cheeks and was clinging to my shirt and we had to go outside and pick dandelions until it was all over. That's not an isolated event by any means. It happens almost every time we go there.

And, while I know she'd get used to the noise and routines of a daycare eventually if she had to, I don't think I would. It probably goes back to my inability to just let her go, but still, I can't make myself be okay with the idea of her spending 75% of her time being taken care of in a strange place by adults who aren't me. If she went to daycare, and I went back to work, I'd see her in the morning (while we rushed around getting ready for daycare) and at night (while we rushed around getting dinner ready and putting PJs on) and on weekends, of course, but still. It's not good enough. Plus, I did the math. After paying for daycare, transportation and work clothes, I'd be bringing home a whopping $600 a month. When it comes right down to it, you couldn't pay me enough to leave her at some strange daycare... and $600 is definitely, definitely not enough.

So I'm going to freelance, and I'm going to hope that some of the writing grants I've applied for come through, and I'm going to - somehow - make it work. I feel like I'm at the edge of a very big cliff about to step off. It's terrifying, but also kind of exciting. I keep repeating this quote in my head, from one of the dumb self-help books my mom gave me: "Leap and the net will appear."

So, here I go, just like Mae, letting go and putting one foot in front of the other, just hoping beyond hope that I'm ready, and that it will all come naturally.